Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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