I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize