i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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