you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
