I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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