did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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