I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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