I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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