WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
