god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
