Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
