Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
