I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
