They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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