yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
