I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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