i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
