Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
