So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
