Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
