i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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