The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
