I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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