it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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