i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
