he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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