No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
