Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
