last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
