those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
