Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
