Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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