Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
