the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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