my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Found the puke drawer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
