I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
