Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
