My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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