What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
this boner is exhausting
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
