So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
