Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
