The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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