hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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