My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
