The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
