I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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