I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
