Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
