in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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