I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
