john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this just has baby written all over it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
