I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
