FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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