it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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