Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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