so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
